Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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