I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
