Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
