You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
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