I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
