You can't special order awesome
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
