Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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