Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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