The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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