Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
