So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
