We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
