It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
smell my finger.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
