There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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