I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
