Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
