I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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