So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
