I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
being pregnant is like rehab
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
