wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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