My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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