just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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