how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
