he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
