im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
