FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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