I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
