Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
