he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Randomize
