Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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