i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
