my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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