oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
