Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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