im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
