Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
foreskin is a definite game changer
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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