literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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