we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We had to coat check the pizza.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
