Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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