I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Randomize
