I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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