i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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