I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
