i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
