On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
