you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
