We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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