When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
