my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
