Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
