Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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