Have you finally orgasmed yet?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
